Feelings

I am feeling a bit instropective today, woke up too earl to another rainy day so that is probably to blame.  From April 2006 to I would say June or July 2007 has been a real journey for me.  I'm still on the journey but I do hope I see some light at the emd of the tunnel.  There are changes that I want to make, things that I want to do, people I want to tell to go to hell, but I am not sure that I am ready or have the strength.  For every action there is a reaction and you have tp be prepared to take the consequences on the chin.  Sometimes I wish I could could just tell people how I really feel about things and just say f**k it.  I love people who can do that.  Its hard though, because peopel are touchy and they want to blame and be mad when you just say what you feel.  Sometimes its not easy to tell people you care about the truth.....I would never pretend it is and most often I just punk out, smile and nod.  Honesty is not always the best policy because it hurts.  When they say the truth hurts, it definitely doesnt just means the people you are telling it to, it means you too.

I've given up friends, a job, a social outlet all because it wasnt real.  It was something created and one morning I woke up and realized how unhealthy it all was.  I was the kid who never had a lot of friends, though friends can be overrated.  I was a loner, for the most part, and i walked with my chin up though I was lonely as hell.  I pretended enough not to look that way and I did have a few friends in middle school and high school who were good to me and made those serious rough patches every kid goes through a little smoother.  Then in college I met people.....finally people who I felt like me, listened to my music, watched my films, liked martinis.......I was in heaven.  I always knew they were out there but to meet them face to face and be able to interact and hang out, it was the best feeling I ever had.  But you know what, that was just as fake as my pretending not to be lonely in high school was.  Everyone is cool when you're 19 and all you care about is keg parties and meetign hot boys and playing some intramural sports.

When college ended most of my friends came back to the local area so we all stayed close.  It was then that the cracks showed through.  I noticed I was giving so much more than I got and occasionally I would call them on it and things would change for a minute and then go right back.  I gave, and gave, and gave until there was nothing left of me.  I know, you are thinking it could all be my fault....why would I do something so dumb.  But I finally felt like I belonged and that is a feeling incredibly hard to give up.  One day I did though.  I couldnt take it anymore.  I'm almost 30 and I dont need to still party like a rock star and try to be 23 everyday for the rest of my life.  I dont need my "friends" to know I give too much and worry what will happen to me if they choose to stop hanging out or go to greener pastures.  I am alone again, for the most part.  There are a few people who I try to keep close but there are still unhealthy elements.  I guess that stuff will never go away, from my life or anyone else's.  But I have to start being honest, placing boundaries, make people hear me without overwhelming them and if they are overwhelmed I have to be secure in knowing that I did or said what I needed to for me and that's going to have to be enough.

So here I am, girl in the big anonymous city, trying to find another life.  How can do that, 6 months from 30.  I had a whole built in friend system, and I gave it up.  It wasnt real but I know some people still in it, who even though they hate it sometimes, hate being lonely more.  I am starting to come out of my shell some.  I joined that writer's class, and two book clubs though I havent had time to hit those meetings yet.  I go out sometimes with the girls from work, we saw a movie and I have been to a few parties.  I hang with my little and we laugh and shop and do the things grils do.  I have one or two friends I can rely on no matter the date or time, even though we have our scrapes, some bigger than others, I grit my teeth, mutter under my breath and keep trying.  But maybe thats not good either.  I dont know, I think the whole point of this piece is I just dont know.  I dont want to be lonely, I know that.  I also know that I want to be me, warts and all.  I'm just trying to find a little local pocket, two or three good people, who like to talk, drink a bit, have coffee, laugh, dont take themselves too seriously but still know there is a time to be a grownup and a time not to care.  

Maybe those people dont exist.  Maybe I need to see people for their warts and all too.  I never claimed to be perfect, I make the same mistakes I can accuse other people of making.  Call me on it, make me see it.  If we are friends, we can do that.  Hell, if we are acquaintances we can do that.  Because the whole darn thing is about communication.  If we dont talk to each other, we will never know.  And one thing that I refuse to do anymore is smile and nod.  I did it for like nine years and boy coming out on the other side of that, I am going to put my therapist's grandkids through college.  So that's it.  I will make sure to post later today when I feel better, saying all that made me feel better.  Maybe someone will read it and it might make them feel better too.  We are all out here, looking, wondering, hoping.....the law of averages says we have to get it right sometimes. 

Kath

I cant believe it.  I have made so much leeway with this story, its amazing.  Kath finally started talking to me and I listened and wrote it down.  She is an ordinary girl, in the sense that she works for a living, has a decent apt but not the best, named her cat after a singing actor who may be insane,  and has a cute boyfriend.  But she wants more.  Not like more sex, or more shoes, though that is pretty cool, but just more.  She wants to feel better when she wakes up in the morning, wants her boyfriend to commit or get out, wants her job to be as fulfilling as it has the potential to be.  She is taking a journey and in the end she doesnt know if she is going to have to give up everything or if she needs to come down out of the clouds and know that life, while beautiful, is far from perfect.  She is also dealing with her possible crush on Shelby, the ex of an old friend, who comes back to town and stirs up feelings Kath may have forgotten she had or repressed.....which may be the same thing.

Now all I need is a title.  I actually have an ending, which as everyone who knows me knows is a miracle in and of itself, but I dont know what to call it.  Shelbyville was my original title, not really sure why, but it was.  It goes beyond that now because when I first started it was initially just going to be a love triangle.  It became so much more when Kath started talking to me, when I started adding my own thoughts and feelings.  I need the title to wrap around it like a bow does on a Christmas present.  I need to say, here I am, look at me, read me, see if you get what I'm saying.  Hell, I am just glad to be saying something.  I also have some new fic ideas, wanna put a spin on some stories I have already written but that will have to wait.  I am full of ideas, thoughts, feelings, and I dont even know if I have enough time to write it all down.  I dont want to lose any of it.

That's how I think I will spend my afternoon.  It has finally stopped raining and though I'm happy, I'm also sad because it guided me a bit and I always enjoy the sound when I am writing or thinking.  But I have this great alarm clock  from Homedics that plays relaxing sounds when I sleep and one of those sounds is rain.....I fall asleep to it every night and maybe I will put it on this afternoon and see what it does.

almost a new day

Can you believe it, my throat is sore.  I was just sick a few weeks ago and now I may be faced with it again.  With this crazy changing weather, its not a surprise.  But thats the bad news.  The good news is I am finally looking at my huge Rat Pack poster on the wall, it took some manpower, all my own, and ten thumbtacks, but I got it up there.  I am also, I think, about three scenes away from ending my first original short story in five years.  I reserve the ticker tape parade until it is actually done.

It has been a crazy few days but tomorrow is Sunday and I have one more day to regroup before starting all over again.  We just keep going.....one foot in front of the other.  I got a few laughs today, caught the last 15 minutes of Real Time with Bill Maher.  I love that man, I think he is a genius, and very funny.  I got my hair braided.  Didnt have a chance to clean up like I would like but I'm not going to get too down about that.    There is always tomorrow.